


Palaces & Personas

by a_salty_alto



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Dungeons and Dragons, Fluff and Crack, Gen, P5 Writer's Zine, akechi is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 06:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19883359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_salty_alto/pseuds/a_salty_alto
Summary: “As a group of thieves, it’s important that we both take time to enjoy ourselves, and to bond with one another,” Morgana explained when he first pitched the idea to Ren. The real reason was that Morgana had heard some kids talking about it while Ren was busy with Dr. Takemi and thought it sounded fun. He’d done some more research while Ren was sleeping, and he was pretty proud of the game he came up with. The thieves really enjoyed it, too; it was a good way to take the edge off of things like awaiting a change of heart.Or, in this case, waiting to enact a plan that involved Ren getting arrested, dragged into an interrogation room, and potentially shot in the head.





	Palaces & Personas

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic as part of the P5 Writer's Zine! To see other people's pieces, check out the zine's [Twitter](https://twitter.com/p5writerszine) for more great work!
> 
> Special thanks to Cae and Kayla who made art for this fic, Renn for betaing, and Nico for putting this whole project together!

The attic of Leblanc bustles with energy at the Phantom Thieves’ weekly D&D session.

“As a group of thieves, it’s important that we both take time to enjoy ourselves, and to bond with one another,” Morgana explained when he first pitched the idea to Ren. The real reason was that Morgana had heard some kids talking about it while Ren was busy with Dr. Takemi and thought it sounded fun. He’d done some more research while Ren was sleeping, and he was pretty proud of the game he came up with. The thieves really enjoyed it, too; it was a good way to take the edge off of things like awaiting a change of heart.

Or, in this case, waiting to enact a plan that involved Ren getting arrested, dragged into an interrogation room, and potentially shot in the head.

But Morgana isn't going to think about that now. What he is going to think about is what will happen after Ren rolls a 1 on his Seduction check.

“Have you gotten above a 5 this entire campaign on Seduction?” Futaba asks.

“No," Ann replies, rubbing her temples, "he hasn't."

“That’s actually impressive,” Makoto says. “Statistically speaking he should have rolled decently at some point.”

Morgana clears his throat for everyone’s attention. “Okay, so Arsene walks up to this guard. He’s a big armored dude and Arsene doesn’t even open his mouth before the guard just backhands him in the face.”

“What was that for?” Ren groans.

“'Ya looked like ya were gonna flirt with me, and on top o' bein’ dedicated to my guard duties, I am dedicated to my husband and five kids who are waitin’ for me to get home and make dinner after my shift.”

“Aw man, why’d you have to say that,” says Ryuji. “Now I feel bad about killing him.”

“Loki holds up his crossbow and just goes, ‘I mean, we still _could,_ ’” Akechi says.

“Dude, no.”

“You’re not allowed to play chaotic neutral next time,” Futaba mutters.

“I’m sorry, I _was_ playing a lawful good character, but then the DM killed him.”

Morgana shrugs. Or whatever the equivalent of shrugging is in this form. Maybe good DMs don’t kill off player characters for petty reasons like being called a cat, but it was Akechi, and Akechi doesn’t have rights, so Morgana isn’t too upset about it.

They lock eyes.

“The guard sees you with a crossbow and says, ‘I’m sorry, are ya threatenin’ me? 'Cause I’m afraid threatenin’ a border guard is punishable with immediate execution.’”

“'I wasn’t.'”

“‘Really? ‘Cause I very clearly saw ya hold up yer weapon and say ya could kill me.’”

“‘You didn’t hear me finish. I was going to say we still could offer you a free back-scratching! This isn’t a crossbow; it's a back-scratcher I modified from a crossbow.’”

“Roll for Deception,” Morgana says.

Akechi does and shoots Morgana a wicked grin. “Nat. 20.”

“'Oh, my mistake. But ya should know that attemptin’ to bribe a border guard for passage is punishable by immediate execution.'”

“‘Who says we wanted to bribe you? We're just good samaritans trying to offer back-scratches to public servicemen like yourself.’ Oh, and before you ask,” Akechi says, “I got a nat 20 on that Deception check, too.”

“Ren, I think he’s stealing all your luck,” Haru whispers.

“'Moving on,'" says Makoto as she leans forward. "'How would someone on, say, an important mission to save the world, be able to get past you _without_ being executed?'”

“‘Well, ya'd hafta get permission from the king, but that'll take a few days, considerin’ the last one just bein’ murdered’n all.’”

“God damn it Akechi!" Ryuji yells, smacking the table,"I told you you shouldn't have murdered him!”

“Can I just go up the guard and say ‘Look, dude, this cult is going to summon the moon down out of the sky to kill us all in two days at most, and we're the only ones who can stop it. Do you think you can bend the rules just this once?'’” Futaba asks.

“He just shakes his head,” says Morgana.

“'Well, I am a princess on a very important diplomatic mission,'” Haru says sitting up straighter. “'My entourage and I demand passage, or else it will be considered an act of war.'”

“Considering the fact that you’re in generic armor and covered in shit, you’re gonna have to make a Persuasion check,” Morgana decides after a minute.

“Is a 9 enough?”

“Nope, sorry.”

“C’mon guys, let’s just give him a good _back-scratching_ ,” Akechi says.

“May I try?” Yusuke asks.

“Go for it,” says Morgana.

Yusuke rolls and then visibly winces.

“If I present evidence of being royalty, may I roll with advantage?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

Yusuke sighs with relief after the second try. “A 17, would that be enough?”

Morgana begins narrating.“So, Goemon goes up to the guard, and presents his family dagger. What do you say?”

“‘I am Goemon, prince of Ylisstol. I ran away from my kingdom, but after hearing of the untimely murder of your king, I realized I had a duty to fulfill, and these nice backscratchers are helping me return home unscathed. Also, if you could refrain from mentioning my identity to anyone, or that we passed through, it would be much appreciated.’”

“The guard takes a look at all of you, and says”--Morgana takes a dramatic pause--“'Of course, your Highness. I’m happy to hear you’re going home.'”  
Ryuji cheers. “Hell yeah! We’re off to save the world!”

“What’s up ahead?” Makoto asks.

“There’s an inn along the way where you can take a rest before you head into battle,” Morgana explains, glancing over to the clock on the wall. They’ll be able to get to the best boss he’s designed so far--which is saying something, because all bosses created by Morgana are, by default, amazing.

“So you’re all taking a long rest at the inn. There’s a pub downstairs, and nothing around for a good few miles. You’ll arrive at your destination tomorrow. What do you do?” Morgana asks.

Ren plays with his pencil. “Can I get a perception check? I want to see if any of these guys have weapons that could come in handy.”

“I’ll do that too.” Akechi says.

“Alright,” Morgana says. “What do you two roll?”

“21”

“19”

Morgana nods. “Ok, so you look around this place, and it’s a pretty cheap inn, so the patrons here don’t have a lot. It’s basically where you go when you’re too drunk to care about the taste of your meal. The only thing that really stands out is a gorgeous elvish woman, who has a silvered rapier at her side.”

Yusuke perks up. 

“So, I take it a silvered weapon is a good thing?” Haru asks.

“Silvered weapons can be effective against certain enemies that are otherwise immune to normal melee weapons.” Yusuke explains.

Haru nods. “Alright then! Let’s see if we can buy it off of her.”

“Um, guys? We’re kind of broke.” Makoto says.

Ren grins. “Don’t worry, I’ve got it.”

“Please no.”

Ren glares at Makoto before clearing his throat. “So, since his words have failed so often, Arsene pulls out his fiddle to try and charm her with his music. And, with a +8 to performance there’s no way I can- _fuck!_ ” 

Ren slams his face into the table.

Morgana flicks his tail. “Nat 1?”

“Mmm-hmm”

“Well you don’t get slapped in the face this time. Instead she just stares at you, and you can see in her eyes that this is someone who has lived thousands of years, seen all kinds of people, and has determined that you are one of the most insignificant specks to ever grace the planet.”

“Arsene just stops playing, goes up to his room, and everyone hears the sound of a crying tiefling for the rest of the evening.”

“As Arsene leaves,” Ann says, “Carmen is going to walk over near the elf-lady, sit next to her, and in a way that’s like, showing off, but it’s casual, challenge one of the bigger guys at the bar to an arm wrestle.”

“Oh, and Necronomicon acts as a hype woman!” Futaba adds. “Like, yeah, any of you losers think you can beat Carmen? 20 gold to whoever beats her!”

“Alright,” Morgana says. He rolls quickly. “The elf woman is into it.”

Ren slams a hand on the table. “Oh come _on!_ ”

Morgana shoots him an apologetic glance as Akechi picks up his dice.

“While she’s distracted, I want to sleight-of-hand the sword away from her,” he says.

Unfortunately, Akechi succeeds that roll and gets the sword.

“Alright then,” Morgana says. “After that, you all go to bed-”

“Except Carmen.” Ann grins. “Carmen’s with the elf.”

“-except for Carmen, you all go to bed. The next morning, you set out early, and by midday you finally arrive at your destination. A tower looms in the moonlight, and a cold air sends shivers down your spines. As you take your first steps inside, it’s almost as if the souls of the departed are calling for you to join them.” Morgana surveys the room; his ears can’t help but twitch in excitement as the thieves’ expressions become more serious. “You climb the tower for what feels like hours before coming to a large room. In the center you see a man in ornate robes. He turns to you and laughs. ‘So you’ve finally arrived.’”

“And who might you be?” Ren asks.

“‘Really, Loki? You haven’t told your friends about your own father.’” Everyone snaps to attention at that. Ann leans forward, Makoto sits up straighter and Futaba turns to get a better look at Akechi, who keeps his face neutral and narrows his eyes. 

“‘How about we skip the pleasantries and just roll initiative,’” he says.

“Alright,” Morgana replies.

Everyone rolls their dice. “So it looks like Akechi’s fi-”

“To begin with, I’ll use my bonus action to take one of the bombs I looted from the king’s corpse and throw it at his head."

“Ok-”

“So that’s six d6, right? So 36 damage.”

“Um, ok-”

“And then, I’ll use my crossbow.” He rolls. “Oh, lovely, I got a 20, so that’s a critical hit, and my damage is doubled, right?”

“Yes, but-”

“That’s 20 damage.” He pauses for a breath, then asks “Wait, can I attach another bomb to the arrow?”

“You know what, sure,” Morgana says. “We’re going to call it a DC 30 Sleight of Hand check. Anything else and your head gets blown off.”

“I will take it.”

“Isn’t your Sleight of Hand only a +4?” Ryuji says. “So it’s literally impossible.”

“Not if I get a nat 20,” Akechi replies as he rolls the dice.

“You’re really going to risk-”

“Got it. And that is another 36 damage. So 92 total.”

Ann gasps. “How do you roll twelve d6 and get 6 on all of them?”

“Well, can you do a Wisdom saving throw?” Morgana asks, hoping to find an excuse to tell him why this was going to end badly.  
Akechi cheers. “Nat 1.”

“Oh, _now_ you roll like shit,” mutters Ren.

“Shut up and let Morgana tell me how I blow my dad’s head off. I love this game.”

Morgana sighs. “You all watch Loki, like an utter madman, chuck a bomb at his father, then take another bomb and prepare to stick it on his crossbow. For a split-second, you see him pause as if thinking, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t just immediately kill the leader of a death cult in case it’s one of those situations where a certain number of souls are needed and all I’m really doing is giving him the last soul he needs.’”

“Then," Akechi cuts in, "Loki goes ‘I don’t care,’ shoots the arrow with a bomb affixed, and experiences true joy for the first time in his life as it explodes in his dad’s face.”

“Yes. That is what happens.” Morgana grits his teeth. “The tower immediately starts to shake violently. Anyone want to make an Arcana, Religion, or History check?”

“I’ll do it,” says Makoto. “That’s a 23.”

“Great! It is _indeed_ one of those things where they needed to sacrifice a certain number of souls, and now that the last one they need has died, the moon is starting to fall out of the sky, and you’ll all be crushed.”

“Great," Haru mutters. "Thanks Akechi.”

“Look, I’m telling you right now, you’re not going to make me regret that. Ever.”

“You’ve literally doomed the world.” Makoto says.

“So?”

“We've been working on this campaign since April and put a lot of work into all these characters!" shouts Morgana. "I've been working on that boss fight for months!”

“Well, it's not like you can't reuse whatever you had planned,” Akechi says, shrugging. “I mean, you could hardly call that a boss fight.”

“But think of it this way. Your father wanted to bring about the end of the world, so all you’ve really done is help him,” Yusuke says solemnly. “In the end, you only assisted the father you despise in achieving his goals.”

“Counterpoint: If he wanted to be dead for this, he would have killed himself before we got here.”

Morgana had _planned_ for the party to realize they had to counteract the spell Loki’s dad was using before killing him, and there were going to be ghosts of everyone’s loved ones, and Morgana was _so ready_ to make his friends cry with his storytelling, and Akechi ruined it.

Whatever. He’s the great Morgana; he can wing this.

“So you all race to the top of the tower and see the moon start to approach. And, uh, th-the moon”-- Morgana racks his brain for a name--"from the moon, Nyx appears. She has been called by mortals’ collective desire for death.” Deep down, Morgana knows he didn't come up with that on the spot, and he can almost hear someone tell him this story, but as soon as he tries to grasp for the memory, it slips away.

Another time then.

“Okay everybody, roll initiative.” They do, and Makoto goes first.

“I’m just going to start by moving out of Nyx’s range, and then cast Spirit Guardians to further protect myself,” Makoto says.

“Alright,” Morgana says. “Nyx sends an energy beam at Loki, killing him instantly.”  
Akechi just shrugs.

“Ryuji’s turn.”

Ryuji says as he scans his spell sheet, “I’mma move in range to hit her, then I will… um…” Futaba leans closer and whispers something to him. “I’ll cast Blooming Blade, which means I can attack Nyx and then anytime she moves, she’ll take more damage. Oh, and I want to cast it as a fifth-level spell, so she takes more damage when I hit her the first time, and when she moves.” He turns to Futaba, who shoots Ryuji a thumbs up.

“Gimme your roll to hit,” Morgana says.

“21.”

“It hits.”

“So that’s gonna be 5 and then 8”

“Cool, so Nyx is going to respond by taking a swing at you with her sword,” Morgana says.

“Wait, why is she going again?” Haru whispers.

“Legendary actions, it means she can attack at the end of any creature’s turn.” Yusuke explains.

“Yeah, that’s gonna be 26 damage,” Morgana says.

“But Nyx is gonna take another 15 damage ‘cause she moved,” Ryuji says.

“Right,” Morgana nods, mentally subtracting the damage from the arbitrary number of hit points he’d assigned Nyx. “Next up: Ren.”

“So,” Ren starts, “can I seduc-”

The entire table groans.

“I mean, it’s worth a try!” Ren says

“We might as well make new characters,” Futaba says.

“Thanks, guys.”

“Look, Ren, you know we all support you through everything you do,” Morgana says, “but not this, you actually have terrible luck. It’s okay, we all suck at something.”

“No! Just for that, I’m going to do it!”

“Okay.” Morgana sighs.

Ren rolls, and takes a deep breath.

“Guys, it looks like…” Ren flashes the biggest grin and holds up the die, showing the natural 20, “I’ve got a new girlfriend.”

A dead silence hangs in the room for a second before exploding into cheers and hollering.

“Kids, could you quiet down?” Sojiro yells from the cafe.

A litany of “sorrys” rings out, and everyone turns back to Morgana.

“So, Nyx, blushes," he says. “You think. It’s a little hard to tell.”

“Sweet. 'Hey, can you maybe head back up to the moon? I’ll meet you there.'” Ren says. “And then Arsene makes little finger guns.”

“Yeah, so Nyx leaves. And you guys have just saved the world.” Morgana says. “Of course, you’re still wanted for regicide, and from the base of the tower you can hear the royal guard calling for your heads.”

“Oh, come on, we just saved the world, doesn’t that count for anything?” Futaba asks.

“You can give it a try next week, but I think we’re done for today.”

After everyone says their goodbyes and heads off, Ren gets ready for bed.

“Thanks for letting me do this,” Morgana says. “I know it’s probably weird.”

“Everyone has fun," Ren replies, "and that’s the important part.”

“Thanks. Good night, Ren.”

“Good night, Mona.”


End file.
